Love (you know in your heart what it is)
No, I don’t! Maybe you do. Maybe the rest of the people do. I am still wondering. I could not find even the physical sensation of heartbeat in my body in autumn 2016 and it has not changed much. I began to avoid words heart and love, because I am unsure I really get it.
Several times I thought I am in love only to find out later that I was just trying to manipulate the person. But for me it was an intense experience, way beyond my mean, so I expressed it. It was all wrong. I really thought I love them. In other cases I was totally unaware that a particular person actually means something to me.
Last year I wrote to you I love you. Do you know how I found out? A friend told me. And only then was I able to connect few dots especially how other people reacted when I talked about you. I was not sure, I had to do crosscheck. I wasn’t able to figure it out on my own. Does it really count then? I am not sure.
When my therapist used to ask me: “How do you feel?”
I would reply: “I think…”
I do not understand the basics. People play a game and I still do not know when how and what is it all about. I only notice later they are mad at me.
In the meantime, I found out about the split in my psyche, that I am a psychopath with schizoid elements. I know I hate men. I am certainly paranoid. I love nobody and nothing. Overall, there is more shadow than light. Interestingly enough I find it somewhat enjoyable. It was really shocking and scary at first. Now I feel more like hunter of shadow trophies. But I understand I am annoying to the others. I would need to be so much worse in order to be authentic, but these people do not deserve it, so it comes out sideways. I used to managed it by isolation and avoidance for decades.
A good friend and a therapist once told me: „I cannot get closer to you.“ I did not know what she meant. I kiss her when we meet. I hug her. I share my thoughts with her. I trust her with my processes. I admire her. I even drink beer, because she loves it. I have no clue what more should I do. What does she need? I would omit it, if other people would not give me similar feedback. So I am left wondering what are all these people after and how the hell am I supposed to meet their needs.
I cannot follow my feelings on that matter, because they were off every single time. So I tend to think, it looks like this, so it is something else. I once described myself as a robot who constantly scans the environment and based on all the data can calculate its own location. Still seems to fit.
I could say: “I love you.” But the question is, what is it about this time around?